..taking stock..

i feel so terrible for neglecting this blog. there are many times throughout the days and weeks when i think to myself, i really should start documenting our life better. but then time has this funny way of escaping and it's all i can manage just to make it through the day doing the bare necessities and before i know it, it has been 6 months since i last wrote anything down. oh dear.

life is pretty sweet right now. crazy. hectic. exhausting. overwhelming. stressful. but when you get right down to it, so so sweet and i just know i will look back years from now and long to go back to this time in our life, even if just for a moment.

Finn

finn is 5 and a half years old and really turning into a wonderful young boy. he is so so thoughtful - always concerned about me and his brothers. he comes up to me several times throughout the day and hugs me, kisses my belly and says, "i love you baby ollie. love you too mom." it is enough to melt me into a puddle. he is very protective of his little brothers, and not a day goes by where i question why he came to our family first. he was meant to be the biggest brother, i am positively sure of it. he is so helpful and although i know i shouldn't do this, he can totally be bribed (or guilted) into helping me with something those rare times he doesn't want to. him and sam have been sharing a room for almost a year now, and it has totally transformed and strengthened their relationship. if one of them is sick and we make them sleep in separate rooms, they both get so sad (and scared!) and beg to let the other sleep with them. they go through spurts where they even share the same bed, and it just melts my mama heart.

finn has absolutely loved kindergarten, and i have loved watching him learn and grow. he plays with the girls at recess, because he's a "grill man" (girl man...aka ladies man). it's cute but kinda scary so lately i've been encouraging him to play with boys also. every morning when i drop him off he runs to his line, then waves furiously at me saying "bye mom, i love you!" i love that he has no shame in doing this in front of all his little friends, and hope and pray he'll want to express his love like that always. fat chance, i know! but a mom can dream, eh? and then when i go to pick him up, he requests that i get out of the car and meet him. he runs to me and gives me the biggest hug as we walk back to the car together. see what i mean? this kid is a keeper.

he is still my obedient, reasonable, mild-mannered kid, and i know i'll go my whole life wondering what i did to deserve such a great kid. one story i never want to forget... a couple months ago we were having a rough day. no one was listening and i was so frustrated, i told finn and sam i wouldn't help them get ready for their naps, they'd have to go downstairs and put themselves to bed. well i went downstairs about 10 minutes later, totally expecting for them to be playing, and peeked into sam's room to find finn helping sam put his pull-up on. it was one of the sweetest, most rewarding things i've ever experienced, to see my two big boys helping each other out. times like that make the craziness of having them so close together worth it. i hope and pray that they will be there for each other and be best friends for life.

Sam

sam just turned 4 and is as crazy as ever! in fact, at his 4 year well child check yesterday i asked the doctor if it's normal that he still has temper-tantrums and hits and pushes and says mean things and the doctor laughed and said, "i sure hope so because i've got one of them at home too." that made me feel a little better. although he can be challenging at times (most of the time) sam has such a great energy and spirit about him, and everyone who knows him loves him! just today his preschool teacher told me that she just loves him and thinks he's the cutest. and he is! when he isn't being naughty. haha the other day my mom took him on the heber creeper train ride for his birthday, and he told her "i used to fight with my brother finn, but i don't fight with him much anymore because i love my finnjamin." lol and it's true, they fight a lot less. probably because he's directed all his negative energy toward gus! those two fight non-stop. all sam has to do is look at gus and gus starts screaming and running away. haha sibling rivalry at its finest. the two of them have a very sweet relationship too, and those rare times when they aren't fighting over toys (mostly trains) they are playing so cute together.

sam started preschool this fall, and he is really loving it. it wasn't quite as easy to get him to go as it was with finn. in finn's two years of preschool, and this year with kindergarten, never once has it been a fight to get him to go. sam fought going for about a month. it was never a huge struggle, but when it got time to get dressed in the morning, he'd say he didn't want to go, and wouldn't change his mind until i was walking out the door to take finn to school. but he absolutely loves it when he's there. he has his best little friend, kohen, in school with him, plus i have a couple other friends who have their kids in the same school. his teacher is miss nikole (who taught finn his first year, and then one day a week his second year) and she is the sweetest lady on the planet. when i go to pick him up, i just have to shake my head and laugh because sam is always in everyone's face, waving his bag or hugging them or trying to tackle them. we've recently picked up on the fact that his love language is touch...quite obvious now that we've figured it out because he always (ALWAYS) touching everyone.

over the last month or so, i've really seen some changes and improvements in him (not counting this last week, when he's been a complete nightmare). the other day at dinner finn wanted some more bacon, but it was all gone, and without being asked or told or hinted in the slightest, sam (who is bacon's number one fan) tore off half of his piece of bacon and said, "here you go finn." again, one of those sweet sweet moments when all the hard work of the past 4 years seems to be paying off. he is very sweet, and very loving when he wants to be. but i think that's the key when it comes to sam - it all has to be his idea. he's not one to be forced, i think he gets that from his dad. and his mom. haha no wonder he's so stubborn.

Gus

gus is two and the cutest little man you'll ever meet. i told lance the other day that we hit the trifecta with gus - he's the best looking, has the cutest personality and is the most even-tempered. he is just so easy. most of the time! haha he's definitely dabbling in that terrible two stuff, and i have a feeling it's bound to get worse once baby brother arrives. for now though, i just cannot get enough of my sweet gus. he is talking so much these days, and it melts my heart. my favorite thing he says is "thank you," which really doesn't even sound much like thank you haha but i just love that he's so polite. yesterday when we were eating breakfast he said "go away, sam!" and even though i probably shouldn't encourage it, i couldn't help but laugh. he is so silly, and so so sweet. when he is sad, or frustrated, or after he's gotten in trouble, he'll come over to me and say "hug, hug" and reach his arms up for a hug. he's very sensitive (maybe my most sensitive) and completely shuts down when he gets in trouble. he hangs his head low and gives you a nasty stare down, letting you know you hurt his feelings. he loves both of his big brothers so much, and follows them around the house, wanting to do whatever they are doing. he can definitely hold his own with them (with sam i should say) and is by far our toughest kid.

he is addicted as ever to his binki. heaven help us when we have to take that thing away! he still requests a bottle for nap and bedtime. heaven help us there too. and he looooooves his giraffe and two blankets. he has recently become obsessed with cars and trucks and mostly trains. yes, we have two train lovers in the family! so far it hasn't been a huge problem, although sam does occasionally get pretty possessive over a track he's building or one of his trains. gus loves to ride around the garage on the wiggle car, and is the biggest fan of the side-by-side. i think he's got adventure in his blood, which is terrifying but so cute.

we moved him to a big-boy bed the beginning of august, and he has done so incredibly well in it. he was by far our easiest kid to transition to a big-boy bed, but why would that surprise me? he's the easiest with everything. i am so, sooooo attached to him, and love every moment i get to spend with him. i'm actually getting really nervous and sad at the thought of how everything is bound to change once ollie gets here. speaking of ollie, if i ask him if he's excited to be a big brother and meet ollie, he either points to his belly lol or comes over to me, lifts my shirt up and kisses my belly. i can't wait to see him as a big brother. i have a feeling he'll be really sweet, just because that is his nature. but i guess it could go the other way and he might just hate him. haha

lance is as busy as ever with work, which is such a blessing. sometimes a huge pain haha but i try not to be too negative about it. we have been so fortunate to have all this work, and i sure appreciate how hard he works to provide such a nice life for us. he loves his kids more than anything, and is the best dad i could have ever hoped for. i think part of it is because he's a kid-at-heart himself, which makes him so fun to be around. if ever i start to feel sad about the fact that we'll never have a daughter, i just think about what an awesome boy dad lance is, and it all makes sense to me why we only have boys. he loves taking them camping and fishing, he likes to show them how to fix stuff. he loves watching movies with them and taking them to movies. he's so hands-on and for that i'm so grateful.

this pregnancy has been my toughest yet. physically, mentally and emotionally. i don't know if it is because i'm older, or because i have three kids, or because it's my fourth pregnancy. or maybe i just haven't taken care of myself the way i should? i have been so tired, and so stressed, and so grumpy and awful to be around, i'm sure. i'm sure because lance tells me haha. needless to say, i am ready to meet this babe in my belly. i hope he knows how much i love him. how much we all love him. and how grateful we are that he chose to come to us. t-12 days till we get to meet the little fella. lets hope it goes by fast!

xoxo
becky

..my preschool graduate..

on wednesday, may 25th, my first baby became a preschool graduate. words cannot express what i have been feeling, unless you were to use every emotion in the dictionary! i am blaming some of it on those blasted pregnancy hormones because, i swear, i've been waaaaay more emotional this pregnancy than any other. however, i am an emotional person to begin with, so i know that pregnancy is only partly to blame.

in the weeks and months leading up to finn's last day of school, i found myself in tears almost every time i picked him up. just hearing him talk about what he's been learning, how much fun he's had with all his little friends, the ways he responds to and respect his teachers...i just couldn't bear the thought that soon that would all be over for him. he has learned and grown so incredibly much these past two years at candyapple cove. it's always interesting to look back in retrospect, and see how things just work out the way they are supposed to. i actually had finn registered for a different preschool - one that came highly recommended and seemed like a great fit. we had paid the registration fee and everything, but then my friend laura told me about a school close to her home (and not far from the school finn was already registered at) and for some reason i just felt more inclined to go with that school. finn would have a friend in class (minnie), i liked the schedule better and so i paid another registration fee and signed him up for candyapple cove.

fall rolled around and i was days away from having gus but as you might recall, i kept that little breech turd inside (jokes, jokes) because the thought of missing my first baby's first day of preschool was out of the question. that first day was just as joyful and devastating as i thought it would be - your first little bird, out of the nest and learning how to fly. finn loved preschool from the very first day, which was somewhat surprising to me. i thought he'd have a little more separation anxiety, but he never did. his teacher, miss nikole, is probably the sweetest lady on the planet. one of those people who you can just see is fulfilling her calling in life and doing a tremendous job at it. finn was a little stinker at the time when it came to social skills. we're talking he didn't have any. he's always been a pretty mild mannered dude, but he just didn't know how to share, didn't understand why we can't push and hit and spit. he wasn't horrible or anything, but i'd catch him doing any number of those things and try and discipline him and would just fall up short. it's like i couldn't get through to him, and really i think he just plain didn't understand. about halfway through the year, one day when miss nikole was putting him in the car she said, "i just love finn so much, he is so much fun. he was one of my harder kids in the beginning but he's turned into one of the best." that made my mama heart swell with so much pride, and i felt like i had my good-natured kid back on track. god bless preschool teachers!

well that first year ended, but it wasn't sad because we both knew he would be coming back in the fall. most of the same kids would be in his class again, he'd have miss nikole as his teacher on wednesdays and miss tammy as his teacher on monday's and friday's. those last few weeks of summer were long ones for him, i could tell he was so ready and so excited to get back to school. and truth be told, i was so ready for him to go back. we just function better with a schedule to follow, know what i mean? also, two kids is easier than three, especially when it comes to grocery shopping! ;)

finn loved preschool just as much this year, maybe even more. that first year it seemed like they focused mostly on social skills, as they should and i'm so glad they did because that was the main reason i had him in preschool. this year they did a lot of learning. learning numbers and letters and shapes and colors. i don't think i even realized how much he has been learning until the graduation program! he knows most of the alphabet in sign language, he can recognize every single one of his letters and knows the sounds they make. he can recite poems and sing songs. he knows the pledge of allegiance. he's just become one smart kid i tell ya! such a relief, because about a year ago i bought alphabet flash cards and spent at least 30 minutes one day trying to teach him a, b, & c. well after that 30 minutes i held up the letter a, asked him what it was and he said 4. this happened multiple times over the course of a few days, at which point i gave up! haha it seemed hopeless, yet so frustrating. I've come to realize that all kids learn at their own pace, and i think some kids need someone other than mom teaching them certain things. whatever miss tammy and miss nikole do, works, or at least it worked for finn, and i will always be so indebted to them for that.

about a week before his last day, i decided a graduation bbq with this classmates was in order. somehow it all came together just in time - i had invitations made and printed so they could be passed out the friday before graduation. i spent my weekend crafting up a storm - mostly to keep myself busy so i wouldn't scare my family with my hysterical crying! sad, but true. i got a lot of rsvp's and people offering to help with the food and all systems were a go. the monday before school ended, i was a total wreck! cried every second of the day, lost it when miss tammy put him in the car that day, bawled my eyes out to ellie when she came to chat while the kids were getting buckled. like i said, i know some of it has got to be pregnancy hormones, but really i think i'd have been a mess either way! i kept telling everyone who would listen that i was mostly just sad that he won't be going to school with most of the same kids next year. besides krew, the rest of his little buds will all be going to different schools. and i know he will make new friends. i know that he doesn't understand and might not even remember these same kids come fall and the start of kindergarten. do i remember most of the kids i went to preschool with? no. but i know finn, and i know that first day of school this fall, he will get in the car and tell me that evan and sam and ronan and minnie and charlotte and nora aren't in his class. and that thought just breaks my heart. these kids have had such a huge impact on his life, just by being themselves and being his friend, and i'm so thankful to them and their parents. thank goodness sam is going to candyapple cove next year, otherwise saying goodbye to his teachers would have been a whole other level of heartbreak for me to deal with.

wednesday the 25th rolled around and i held it together for the most part. finn got all dressed up for school, and was wondering why he had to wear church clothes to school! haha i told him we dress nice for important occasions, and this definitely qualified as important. when miss tammy came and got him from the car, she said, "oh my gosh finn, you look so handsome!" and after she shut the door, i could hear her gushing even more over what a little gentlemen he was. that was hard for me to drive away, knowing it was the last time her or miss nikole would ever come and get my handsome finn from the car.

an hour later we were back and ready to watch their program. it was the cutest thing i have ever seen, and the videos i have from it are ones i will cherish forever. finn knew all the words to all the poems, and all the words and actions to all the songs. he performed them better than i ever imagined he would, and was so confident and proud sitting up there. tears were definitely rolling, but i wasn't nearly as hysterical as i thought i would be. i realized that the main reason i have been so emotional is because i am just so dang proud of how much he's grown and the little person he is and is becoming. he is a good kid, with a good heart and a good head on his shoulders. laura told me that one day someone was being mean to minnie, and finn stuck up for her so now she tells laura she loves finn and is going to marry him. haha so i asked finn about it, and he said that there's a kid in class who is sometimes mean to him, or evan, or minnie, and so finn will say to that kid "stop being mean." he kind of just told me this story nonchalantly, like he has no idea what an amazing quality that is, but i know, and i hope he will always be that way, sticking up for the underdog. he really just is at such a fun age right now - smart, willing to help, for the most part nice to his little brothers. it will be hard for me to send him off to kindergarten next year, because i sort of just want to keep him all to myself. i'm scared for what the world will do to my innocent, kind-hearted, good-natured little boy. i guess i just have to hope that what he's learned so far, and the qualities i continue to try and instill in him, will be enough to get him through all the bad stuff that is out there.

i know there is a special place in heaven reserved for preschool teachers (the good ones, anyway) and i know miss nikole and miss tammy will be there. they are amazing women who i know have loved my child like their own, and taken better care of him than i could have ever asked for or expected. thank goodness sam will benefit from their wisdom and love for hopefully the next two years. and fingers crossed gus and ollie will follow their big brothers footsteps and become candyapple cove graduates one day.

to my finn, i love you more than you will ever know! you are one amazing kiddo and although it breaks my heart a little, i can't wait to see all the places you'll go because i know you will go far.