..five months..

my dear baby gus-gus,

i can't believe you are five months old! my oh my, how these last five months have flown by. it always happens way too fast, and it is something i'll never get used to, no matter how many times i do this. i just love my baby babies so so much, and it is always so heart-breaking to see time slip between our fingers so quickly.

one thing that is actually kind of good, is you are still just a tiny little thing, so it makes you feel more like a little baby. sometimes i worry because you're not growing super fast, like your others did, but you seem to be on-track developmentally, so i guess i will just enjoy you being so little. you sure are the cutest thing on the planet. i am serious, i often find myself looking at you, thinking to myself, "you are the cutest baby i have ever seen! like seriously!" you really are so handsome and adorable, and sometimes i can't even believe you're mine.

this past month was not too bad at all, which was somewhat surprising because it is the middle of winter. it doesn't really feel that way outside though, which is perhaps why it wasn't so bad. ;) we've all been pretty healthy (knock on wood) until you caught some sort of virus the very end of january.

it just so happened to be the same day dad was leaving to go on a snowmobile trip with some of the guys he works with, which was a total bummer. luckily we have the best grandma who came down to keep us company while dad was gone, and let's just say thank goodness she did come down. you woke up friday morning (the 30th) very hoarse. your voice was disappearing and when you cried it was even sadder than normal. well as the day went on, you didn't seem to be getting any worse, but you weren't getting any better either. that night, we were out running errands and you started wheezing and sounding like you were struggling to breath. i was getting so nervous, so we drove to instacare and had you checked out. grandma took your big brothers to get some food and then hung out at home with them while we were still at the doctor's, which was such a blessing because nothing grosses me out more than instacare! so many germs.

anyway, because you are so little they came out with the device that checks your oxygen levels right away, and the good news was your stats and o2 levels were totally fine. we waited for over an hour to see the doctor, and her diagnosis was "it's something viral." she said it was mostly in your head but would likely move down to your chest and that is when we'd really need to watch you closely. you had a rough few nights/days of sleep (meaning neither of us got any!) but i prayed so hard that you wouldn't get any sicker, and guess what? you really didn't. i'm so thankful for the power of prayer. on sunday night we borrowed a humidifier from the clayton's and that really seemed to help you out a lot and really you got better within a few days after. fingers crossed you stay healthy!

a few things i want to remember about you at this age:
- you are finally on somewhat of a schedule, taking 2-3 naps a day and going to bed at 8. you're waking up time has been all over the freakin place! as of just the past few days, you've been sleeping until 7-7:30. praise the heavens on high! ;)
- i started supplementing you with formula, and you seem much more content and satisfied. you get between 6-8 ounces a day, 2-4 before your nap at 1:00 and 4 oz before bedtime.
- you started rolling! you rolled from your back to your tummy on january 20, and from your tummy to your back on the 21st. you screamed every time it happened for a few days, and still aren't really a fan of it.
- you giggled while watching duke the other day. you've noticed the dogs for a while now, but that was the first time i really noticed you reacting to them. it was super cute!
- love finn and all the attention he gives you. occasionally you'll cry when he gets too close for comfort, but for the most part you love when he entertains you.
- you have a love/hate relationship with sam. sometimes you'll tolerate him, other times you cry the second you see him coming. it's pretty funny and reminds me so much of how sam used to be with finn.
- we moved you into your room! hopefully this time it lasts. i think it will because you have totally outgrown your rock-n-play thing. i loved loved loved having you by my bedside more than i ever thought i would, but you have been sleeping much better upstairs. probably because it is quieter and you're more comfortable in your crib.
- you've outgrown the swaddle and are now sleeping in one of those zip-up blanket things. it's weird and i never used one with finn or sam, but you didn't like sleeping in just pajamas so this has worked fine. a couple days ago i woke up, checked the monitor and you were no where to be seen! panicking, i asked dad where you were, thinking maybe he heard you cry and got you? he had no idea either. so i ran upstairs as fast as i could, and you had just rolled out of the camera's view. but that also freaked me out because you were swaddled and what if you rolled and couldn't roll back? man, i just am so paranoid. anyway, you have been un-swaddled ever since and it actually hasn't been too rough of a transition. thankfully.
-you are sitting better in the bumbo every day, are still loving your playmat, and like the swing okay for a few minutes at a time. you still don't love being in your carseat unless we are moving.
-still wearing some 0-3 and also some 3-6 month clothing and we moved you to size 3 diapers this month.

well mr gus, you are just my absolute favorite. i have loved every minute so far of being your mommy and hope that you'll continue to grow and develop on track. you are such a sweet, easy-going little guy, and are just a joy to be around.

i could eat you up i love you so!

love,
mom

..night & day..

it's so interesting how two kids who share the same dna can be so totally opposite. we are talking night and day, people. in some ways i feel like no matter how many kids you have, being a mom never gets any easier - you never truly get a grip on things - because you have to be a different parent for each child. and i'm only talking about 2 of my 3 here, and they are ages two and three! haha i can't imagine how much harder it's going to get as they grow.

as challenging as it sometimes all the time is, i love how different finn and sam are. they keep me on my toes and sure make life fun and interesting, which is great, because how boring would it be if all our kids were carbon copies of one another?

finn loves to be naked - we are talking takes his clothes off the second we get home and refuses to put them on unless absolutely necessary. sam hates, hates, to be naked. if he has to get undressed for any reason - getting in the tub or changing out of dirty clothes, for instance - he goes into full-blow meltdown mode unless we put clothes back on immediately!

finn sleeps in only bottoms (pj pants, sweats or shorts) and will cry and scream for you to come take his shirt off if, heaven forbid, you forget. sam sleeps in shorts and a shirt, and will cry and scream for you if you forget to put one on him. what is so interesting, though, is that finn is cold-blooded, like me, and sam is warm-blooded, like lance. you would think, based on their body temperatures, that finn would prefer to be fully-clothed at all times and sam would prefer to be naked, but alas it is not so.

finn is a clean-freak. he doesn't make much of a mess when eating, and if he does, cleans it up as he goes (or makes you). he doesn't like food on his face or crumbs on his clothes and whines and whimpers if he gets messy and you don't help him clean it right away. sam has a gift for making messes where you did not know messes could be made. he requires a bath after almost every meal (or a good scrubbing with a washcloth and soap) and make sure to keep the vacuum near by (or plugged in at all times, for that matter) because you will need it if sam is eating anything! by far one of my biggest struggles as a parent has been being okay with sam's messes.

finn has the appetite of a baby bird. he will occasionally eat a bowl of cereal or some yogurt for breakfast, always asks for three scoops of peanut butter at lunch and we basically have to bribe, threaten and/or sell our soul to the devil to get him to take three bites of whatever we are eating for dinner. he loves sweets, however, and you'll constantly hear him say "but i NEED that cookie, i'm SO hungry." i'm actually worried he will develop sugar diabetes because of how much he loves sugar. sam, on the other hand, will eat three bowls of cereal for breakfast and ask for more. 8 chicken nuggets and some french fries for lunch. and could probably eat an entire steak if we cooked him one for dinner. he can eat an entire box of macaroni and cheese by himself, and will down milk like its nobody's business. with sam, i worry about obesity and often wonder "at what point do we cut him off?"

finn, at almost four years old, still asks for naps and will sleep for a good 2 1/2 - 3 hours. he goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up between 8-8:30am. Sam probably naps 3 days a week for 1 1/2 - 2 hours at most, and goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up between 7:30-8am.

if finn gets hurt, plan on holding him in your arms, consoling him and kissing his ouchies better. he is sort of a baby. ;) if sam gets hurt, 8 times out of 10 he gets right back up and shakes it off as if nothing happened. he doesn't tolerate finn bullying him, so we do hear sam whining and crying much of the time, but if he hurts himself he is tough as nails. i always say that finn has his dad's pain tolerance and sam has his mom's. ;)

finn tends to be the sweeter child and sam tends to be my feisty one, but finn can be super feisty and sam can be super sweet. they are both equal parts sensitive, equal parts stubborn. they both know what they want and heaven have mercy on anyone who gets in the way of that (can't imagine where they get that from, definitely not from lance or me! ;)).

i have loved watching them grow and it is definitely interesting watching them become friends. they say that opposites attract, and i can only hope that rings true in their case because they are opposite as opposite can be. i can't wait to see how sweet little gus fits into the mix. i'm hoping he is 75% finn 25% sam, because i'm not sure i could handle 1.5 sam's running around! just kidding. whatever he ends up being like, or whoever, i know we will absolutely love it, and it will be so fun watching these brothers become friends.

..the little things..

fruit in the fruit bowl. lamplight in the evening. made beds. organized closets. when i'm caught up on laundry (pretty much never, but awesome when it happens). the sound of the dishwasher at night. gently falling snow when i have nowhere to be. the sound of finn and sam laughing while playing together. the look on gus' face when finn talks to him. claus following me everywhere all day. watching duke come through the doggy door with no hesitation or encouragement from us. hearing finn name all his friends at preschool. the "good morning" i get from finn when he wakes up each day. silence coming from sam's room during nap time. gus' coos. talking to gus and hearing him talk to finn and sam. clean floors. uninterrupted showers/getting ready in the morning (again, pretty much never but awesome when it happens). fresh flowers. party decorations. no line at fiiz. food in the fridge and pantry. paying with cash. target-trips with minimal melt-downs. snuggles with any of my babies. singing songs with sam before bedtime. "how 'bout just one more hugs and kisses?" from finn. the look on sam's face and hearing him say, "ma bunny!" when we find it after it has been missing.

our day-to-day life is so un-extraordinary. there is probably nothing special or magical about it if you're on the outside looking in. but as each day passes, and i sit and wonder where the heck time has gone, i can't help but think it is these very simple, un-eventful days of our lives that i'm going to long for in the years to come. tears fill my eyes as i think about how blessed i am, and how grateful i truly am for all of it. i know i need to show it better. love more. serve more. be there for those in need more. i want to make it a point to live with no regrets. i know mistakes will be made along the way and that disappointment, heartache and pain are part of the deal we signed on for when we came to this earth. but may we love without limits and give all of ourselves to this life and those around us, because really that is all that it's about.

..adios, janvier..

pretty sure i just mixed spanish & french in that title right there, but oh well! ;) i am pleased to report that we survived january. what is it about january, people??! i swear, i dread the crap out of it every single year. it is such a long, boring, dreary, cold, depressing month. perhaps i make it such with my attitude, but my whole life january has always felt that way.

this january wasn't bad though, not even in the slightest! the inversion didn't seem as terrible as usual, which meant cleaner air and warmer days. there were quite a few days that felt more like march, actually! i loved it. lance hated it. there hasn't been much snow for the poor guy to go snowmobiling in, but i haven't minded one bit. haha. maybe because last january really was the worst ever - never ever ever be in your first trimester of pregnancy during january...if you can help it. barf! literally and figuratively. last january was bad. but this january was good. maybe its because of my sweet little babe who just brings such joy to my life that i can't help but eat him up every single time i'm holding him? maybe it's because finn and sam are starting to get along and play nicely with each other, for more than 2 minutes at a time? maybe the routine we have in preschool on tuesdays and thursdays, forcing us to get out of the house helped? maybe all the playdates with friends far and wide? or the many girls nights i've been fortunate enough to attend? i don't have all the answers, but i'm sure it was a combination of all of these that helped make this january a good one. also probably the fact that we honestly weren't sick the entire month, until the very last two days when my sweet baby gus came down with a cold. how does a baby get a cold and his two older brother's don't?! despite that little bump in the road, our january was great, and i hope in the future i will remember to adjust my attitude, rather than just letting january be bad.

i have become friends with some girls on my street and it has been an answer to many prayers. in some ways, i feel like i have been waiting for them my whole life. like there was a void, and it is being filled. at times i tend to feel like i don't have any friends. i don't mean that in a self-pity sort of way. just in a that's-just-how-i-am sort of way. i've never been one to need tons of friends. after talking with lance the other day, though, i realized that i really do have a lot of friends. i don't know why, but ever since everything happened with alicia last fall, i've felt really insecure about myself, like there must be something wrong with me? after i hang out with anyone, i always find myself replaying conversations in my head, wishing i hadn't made that joke or been sarcastic or said that or did that or yada yada yada. what if people don't like me and what if i'm a bad person and mean and rude and i just don't know it?? lance encouraged me to just be myself and to not let an insecure, hyper-sensitive person change who i am, because i do have lots of friends and people do like me. what would we do without our husbands?! i really need to hear that and after a lot of reflection i realized he was right. i have friends all over. i've got childhood friends, and college friends, and mommy friends and woods cross friends and i'm making stone creek friends. and none of them are just Facebook, they're actual friends who i text and see often.

my new friends though, feel like friends who heavenly father placed in my path for a purpose. and i suppose all friends are that way, but something just feels different about these girls. maybe it's because we all just built houses, probably with the intention of living here for a while, so it feels like they aren't going anywhere? maybe i've always longed for friends like my mom has - ladies she has known since i was just a wee one - who have all been there for each other for 20+ years? maybe it's because we have a lot in common and just click? or maybe i am just over-thinking it? haha but when i am with these girls i see us going on girls trips and couples trips and family trips. i see lots of dinners and playdates and lunches and girls nights in our future. lots of random parties and get-togethers and shopping trips and late-night runs to fiiz and dairy queen. i feel like these are my girls, the ones i have been waiting for forever. i probably sound way desperate and crazy, like i've been on one date and am already planning my wedding? haha but that is how i feel. i love these girls and have had so much fun hanging out with them, just talking and getting to know one another. it is so refreshing and easy, and i've just loved it.

i deleted Facebook from my phone the other day. not my account, just the app. i've really noticed myself becoming a paranoid wreck lately. i see all these posts and articles about the most horrific things, and i lie awake at night a worried mess. i do feel it is important to develop empathy and be there for people in their darkest hours, and i hope to be that for people i actually know and am close to. but some of these stories i was hearing about were getting in the way of my day-to-day functioning haha and i realized it's not worth it. Facebook tends to feel more negative than uplifting much of the time and i just needed a change. so we will see how long it lasts! i keep trying to talk myself into deleting instagram as well, but i just can't do it. i use instagram to document our lives, and for that reason it would be hard for me to let it go. there have been times when i've been caught up in comparing myself to others through instagram. times when i probably spend too much time looking through other peoples photos. but it really is so much more uplifting than Facebook and has been a great and easy way to document our weeks and months throughout the year. i don't have much of a problem with pinterest or any other form of social media, so for now, Facebook is the only one to go.

i had a really bad feeling about this year. maybe that's the paranoia in me, but it just felt like this looming cloud was hanging out over me as 2014 ended and 2015 began. like i am so scared of what is in my future. i am trying to just live each day one at a time and to be grateful for all the good in that day. for the sweet snuggles i get from my boys. for the days lance gets home from work a little earlier than usual. for monday's because it means bachelor night, and tuesday because it means pretty little liars is on, and thursday's because my shows are finally back on (grey's anatomy, scandal and how to get away with murder). okay maybe i have a problem if my days revolve around tv shows?! ;) side note, i didn't get addicted to any new tv shows this january, as has been the case in previous years! i just watched scandal episodes over and over again. haha. um anyway, for nap time because i get a little break. for 5:30 am, as early as it comes, because i get to just snuggle my sweetest baby in those wee hours of the morning when all is still and be so so grateful for the opportunity i have to raise these precious children of god.

i am trying to just go with the flow, to let go of expectations and take each day as it comes. this has meant not rushing our mornings (except preschool on tuesdays and thursdays) and being okay if nap time starts a little later than normal. i'm trying to be more patient, and to realize that my kids are only little for a very short amount of time. so what if it takes finn forever to get seated in his carseat? so what if the playroom is a mess 100% of the time? so what if my bathrooms are dirty and my floors haven't been mopped and vacuumed and i haven't made an actual meal in who knows how long? i am trying to just relish and bask in this time of my life and in all that it entails. i pick up the toys and throw them (with my eyes closed!) into the playroom at the end of each night. i have been singing songs to sam as we snuggle before bed each night and practicing the piano a few minutes each day. i have made it a point to go grocery shopping every monday morning so that i can tackle the week head-on and feel like i am in control of something and have been making my bed every day because i just feel better about life when i do. i still go to fiiz twice a day for pepsi and ice water, but feel that at some point in the near future i need to stop. i want to start exercising and eating healthier so that i can live to see my grandchildren. i have been so so good about sticking to my budget and not asking lance for more money so i can buy that thing i want for the house. my house isn't decorated for valentines and it's okay. i still have a print in one of my frames from christmas and that's okay too. the pantry isn't super organized yet and neither are the cupboards. we leave food in the fridge for way longer than intended and waste food more often than i wished we did. i wash and dry the clothes at least two times per load, every single freakin time and for the life of me can't decide what to do on the walls in finn, sam or gus's rooms. but life is good. i have been finding so much joy in the simplicity and in being okay with how life is at this very moment. the other day finn said to me, "you don't go to work like dad does?" to which i replied, "i work at home, with you and sam and gus!" and he said, "you do? you work wif us?" they are my job. they are my #1 priority and i am trying harder to just let go of all the rest.

so here's to february. to staying in on the days we don't have to be anywhere. to yelling less and hugging more. to creating an atmosphere of love and safety in our home. to enjoying my days with my precious children, to nagging lance less and letting go of the things that annoy me. to telling those i love that i love them. to traditions, new and old. and to just living life one day at a time.

adios, janvier. bienvenue, fevrier!