pretty sure i just mixed spanish & french in that title right there, but oh well! ;) i am pleased to report that we survived january. what is it about january, people??! i swear, i dread the crap out of it every single year. it is such a long, boring, dreary, cold, depressing month. perhaps i make it such with my attitude, but my whole life january has always felt that way.
this january wasn't bad though, not even in the slightest! the inversion didn't seem as terrible as usual, which meant cleaner air and warmer days. there were quite a few days that felt more like march, actually! i loved it. lance hated it. there hasn't been much snow for the poor guy to go snowmobiling in, but i haven't minded one bit. haha. maybe because last january really was the worst ever - never ever ever be in your first trimester of pregnancy during january...if you can help it. barf! literally and figuratively. last january was bad. but this january was good. maybe its because of my sweet little babe who just brings such joy to my life that i can't help but eat him up every single time i'm holding him? maybe it's because finn and sam are starting to get along and play nicely with each other, for more than 2 minutes at a time? maybe the routine we have in preschool on tuesdays and thursdays, forcing us to get out of the house helped? maybe all the playdates with friends far and wide? or the many girls nights i've been fortunate enough to attend? i don't have all the answers, but i'm sure it was a combination of all of these that helped make this january a good one. also probably the fact that we honestly weren't sick the entire month, until the very last two days when my sweet baby gus came down with a cold. how does a baby get a cold and his two older brother's don't?! despite that little bump in the road, our january was great, and i hope in the future i will remember to adjust my attitude, rather than just letting january be bad.
i have become friends with some girls on my street and it has been an answer to many prayers. in some ways, i feel like i have been waiting for them my whole life. like there was a void, and it is being filled. at times i tend to feel like i don't have any friends. i don't mean that in a self-pity sort of way. just in a that's-just-how-i-am sort of way. i've never been one to need tons of friends. after talking with lance the other day, though, i realized that i really do have a lot of friends. i don't know why, but ever since everything happened with alicia last fall, i've felt really insecure about myself, like there must be something wrong with me? after i hang out with anyone, i always find myself replaying conversations in my head, wishing i hadn't made that joke or been sarcastic or said that or did that or yada yada yada. what if people don't like me and what if i'm a bad person and mean and rude and i just don't know it?? lance encouraged me to just be myself and to not let an insecure, hyper-sensitive person change who i am, because i do have lots of friends and people do like me. what would we do without our husbands?! i really need to hear that and after a lot of reflection i realized he was right. i have friends all over. i've got childhood friends, and college friends, and mommy friends and woods cross friends and i'm making stone creek friends. and none of them are just Facebook, they're actual friends who i text and see often.
my new friends though, feel like friends who heavenly father placed in my path for a purpose. and i suppose all friends are that way, but something just feels different about these girls. maybe it's because we all just built houses, probably with the intention of living here for a while, so it feels like they aren't going anywhere? maybe i've always longed for friends like my mom has - ladies she has known since i was just a wee one - who have all been there for each other for 20+ years? maybe it's because we have a lot in common and just click? or maybe i am just over-thinking it? haha but when i am with these girls i see us going on girls trips and couples trips and family trips. i see lots of dinners and playdates and lunches and girls nights in our future. lots of random parties and get-togethers and shopping trips and late-night runs to fiiz and dairy queen. i feel like these are my girls, the ones i have been waiting for forever. i probably sound way desperate and crazy, like i've been on one date and am already planning my wedding? haha but that is how i feel. i love these girls and have had so much fun hanging out with them, just talking and getting to know one another. it is so refreshing and easy, and i've just loved it.
i deleted Facebook from my phone the other day. not my account, just the app. i've really noticed myself becoming a paranoid wreck lately. i see all these posts and articles about the most horrific things, and i lie awake at night a worried mess. i do feel it is important to develop empathy and be there for people in their darkest hours, and i hope to be that for people i actually know and am close to. but some of these stories i was hearing about were getting in the way of my day-to-day functioning haha and i realized it's not worth it. Facebook tends to feel more negative than uplifting much of the time and i just needed a change. so we will see how long it lasts! i keep trying to talk myself into deleting instagram as well, but i just can't do it. i use instagram to document our lives, and for that reason it would be hard for me to let it go. there have been times when i've been caught up in comparing myself to others through instagram. times when i probably spend too much time looking through other peoples photos. but it really is so much more uplifting than Facebook and has been a great and easy way to document our weeks and months throughout the year. i don't have much of a problem with pinterest or any other form of social media, so for now, Facebook is the only one to go.
i had a really bad feeling about this year. maybe that's the paranoia in me, but it just felt like this looming cloud was hanging out over me as 2014 ended and 2015 began. like i am so scared of what is in my future. i am trying to just live each day one at a time and to be grateful for all the good in that day. for the sweet snuggles i get from my boys. for the days lance gets home from work a little earlier than usual. for monday's because it means bachelor night, and tuesday because it means pretty little liars is on, and thursday's because my shows are finally back on (grey's anatomy, scandal and how to get away with murder). okay maybe i have a problem if my days revolve around tv shows?! ;) side note, i didn't get addicted to any new tv shows this january, as has been the case in previous years! i just watched scandal episodes over and over again. haha. um anyway, for nap time because i get a little break. for 5:30 am, as early as it comes, because i get to just snuggle my sweetest baby in those wee hours of the morning when all is still and be so so grateful for the opportunity i have to raise these precious children of god.
i am trying to just go with the flow, to let go of expectations and take each day as it comes. this has meant not rushing our mornings (except preschool on tuesdays and thursdays) and being okay if nap time starts a little later than normal. i'm trying to be more patient, and to realize that my kids are only little for a very short amount of time. so what if it takes finn forever to get seated in his carseat? so what if the playroom is a mess 100% of the time? so what if my bathrooms are dirty and my floors haven't been mopped and vacuumed and i haven't made an actual meal in who knows how long? i am trying to just relish and bask in this time of my life and in all that it entails. i pick up the toys and throw them (with my eyes closed!) into the playroom at the end of each night. i have been singing songs to sam as we snuggle before bed each night and practicing the piano a few minutes each day. i have made it a point to go grocery shopping every monday morning so that i can tackle the week head-on and feel like i am in control of something and have been making my bed every day because i just feel better about life when i do. i still go to fiiz twice a day for pepsi and ice water, but feel that at some point in the near future i need to stop. i want to start exercising and eating healthier so that i can live to see my grandchildren. i have been so so good about sticking to my budget and not asking lance for more money so i can buy that thing i want for the house. my house isn't decorated for valentines and it's okay. i still have a print in one of my frames from christmas and that's okay too. the pantry isn't super organized yet and neither are the cupboards. we leave food in the fridge for way longer than intended and waste food more often than i wished we did. i wash and dry the clothes at least two times per load, every single freakin time and for the life of me can't decide what to do on the walls in finn, sam or gus's rooms. but life is good. i have been finding so much joy in the simplicity and in being okay with how life is at this very moment. the other day finn said to me, "you don't go to work like dad does?" to which i replied, "i work at home, with you and sam and gus!" and he said, "you do? you work wif us?" they are my job. they are my #1 priority and i am trying harder to just let go of all the rest.
so here's to february. to staying in on the days we don't have to be anywhere. to yelling less and hugging more. to creating an atmosphere of love and safety in our home. to enjoying my days with my precious children, to nagging lance less and letting go of the things that annoy me. to telling those i love that i love them. to traditions, new and old. and to just living life one day at a time.
adios, janvier. bienvenue, fevrier!
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